Thoughts That Take Flight

I've been a bit confused out of my mind lately. I think it's time I confess to everything I've been feeling, because if I keep it in for much longer I'm going to explode. Don't ask me why I chose to let out on the internet, or why I would let you all know this. Just let me do it, respect me enough to ration with me, and believe the words I write.

It is 2:23 in the morning and I've been studying for my Geography exams for aproximatelly two hours and thirty minutes. Before that I had a break of two hours, and before that, I had studied Geography for 5 hours straight.

Is it because I'm in love with Geography? No. Is it because I want to get a ridiculously amazing grade? Not really. So what is the reason?

Taking my mind off of things I guess. June has been the most troubling month that has ever occured in my life. My mom has talked to me about my future options and what I really want to do with my future. Which is ok. I understand she did it because she cares about me and wants the best future for me. I thank her for that.

The thing is...it triggered thoughts inside of me that I wished I hadn't had. I wish I had stayed naive and never thought about such things. It started with my boyfriend, I began to see how my future would work out with him, the only surprise was...it wasn't going to. We had virtually no common plans except having a bunch of kids and loving each other. That all seems ok, but "Love and a Shack, is all you need" doesn't really work in reality. Someone needs to provide.

Then I feared I would be the only one providing, but I secretly knew that would not happen. Still he would need a job where he was constantly travelling to be happy, and I wanted to stay in my hometown with my kids in a normal day-to-day basis. I moved enough while I was a kid, thank you very much.

I made one of the most dificult decisions of my life and that was to leave him. I am aware that I'm deeply in love with him. That he has every good, virtuous quality that anyone is capable of having, but I needed to invest in me just this one time. I felt so sick in investing my time, energy, and effort into everyone's benefit and leaving myself behind that I took a plunge now.

I cry all the time, at night when people can't see me. I cry, I try my best to stop teardrops when someone mentions him, when I go to a place where we have a story, when I remember something he did, or said. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't....and then there are these times, and these are the ones I really look foward to, where I feel really happy for a moment there. I think, my life is amazing and I can have this without him. I think, I made the right choice. I feel good. I'm okay.

And I know that the more I think like this, the more times I'll feel like that small moment. That seems amazing to me. Definitelly something to look foward to.

I don't know really...

I'm scared about my future. Next year I'll have gradutated High School, I'll be moving to a whole different country, with different people, cultures and ways of life (they drive on the other side too). I'll be by myself, I'll have moved out from home, I'll have a new job, new school, new life. All this within just a few weeks. My entire life will change, that seems extremelly frightining.

And when I leave? What if I don't make it in the business that I want. What if I fail at my career? These seem like petty superficial doubts but they do perturb me many times. I don't know what to think. I know in my mind that everything will be okay one way or another, but I also know in my heart how scared I am to take that step...

Don't know...seems like everything is changing right now and too fast for me to get a grip on reality...

xoxo,

Lee

Reflections

I was twelve when I first joined a social network site. It was young, it was illegal and no I didn't do it for the thrills. I was a good twelve year old, but I wanted to fit in, and EVERYONE had a myspace, I couldn't be the only one who didn't.

As I grew older I realized that on these sites there was always the option "Looking For:" and yet the only answers you could fill in were "Friendship, Dating, A realtionship". I remember thinking at the time, why isn't there an option for "nothing".

As I grew older it dawned on me that we are looking for something, always. We're never happy, that's the failure of human kind. As much as we say we're happy, as much as we try to believe that, it isn't true. Now I'm not saying we're all always walking around like we're miserable, that would be an ignorant and idiotic statement. But we're never really content, I mean.

We always want more of what we don't have. We want a relationship, we want friends, we want to fit in, we want to be successfull, we want money, we want love, we want happiness, we want passion, we want adventure, we want, we want, we want. When does it stop.

When does anybody ever admit they have a pretty God damn good life? Does anyone actually reflect on how stupid wanting these things is? I'm not saying give up on dreams or goals, but hell don't sit around talking about how you WANT it?

I think the problem with mankind, is the fact that we create expectations of people, of dreams, of things that are not real. We build this image of this perfect place we want, we would strive for, but we forget that's not reality.

I believe the key to happiness is to see the world for what it truly is. Stop dwelling on senseless issues, face reality. There is no such things as the perfect man you've been dreaming about since you were ten. There is no such thing as the perfect woman that you've been dreaing about since you can remember. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But there is a man or a woman who can love you to the best of his abilities and try to create a good stable relationship with you.

There is no such thing as a friend who will never disappoint you, but there is such a thing as forgiveness and second chances.

You can chase your dreams, work to be the best, and even try to have better than you have. Indulge yourself in those small temptations and don't be ashamed. Who in this world is so perfect that they can judge on your actions?!?!

Fullfill your responsiblities - yes. See Reality as it is -yes. Indulge into temptation-yes. Do what pleases you- yes. Spend your life wanting what you don't have- pointless.

Now-a-days I look at social networking sites and when I see the option "Looking For" I think, Why aren't there more options?

xoxo

Lee

In a World of My Own...

A little exert from an entry in my journal. Kinda feeling like this today, hope you enjoy...

"...But the right choice is always the hardest right? It shouldn't be like that. Good things should be easy, that way the world would be a better place.

It's hard to believe in a God that would create such a thing as pain. The church would probably argue that God created pain to teach sinners a lesson. I would argue that if God were good and perfect he would know how to create humans so good and wise that they would not sin, They would be created with all lessons learned. There would be no punishment because we were equals with God, we were good in our differences...perfect. It would be perfect.

In a world of my own...

Good choices are very very easy

And it's not so bad."

xoxo

Lee

Desolate

I feel empty and desolate. Like the entire world is crashing down on me, and my lungs are being crushed. Like my blood is being poisened by the hate that this world has endowed on me.

Rage runs through my veins in an absolute coercion. It burns my insides and makes my mind weak. I feel weak, powerless...lost.

Though I don't know why, I have absolutely no idea what it happening to me or why. I have no reason to feel in such an abhorrent manner.

I trully hope it will cease...

xoxo
Lee

As 50 Coisas Mais Belas do Mundo (na minha opiniao)

A Portuguese Post to change a little =)

1. Apaixonar-te.
2. Rir tanto até que as faces doam.
3. Um chuveiro quente num Inverno frio.
4. Um supermercado sem filas nas caixas.
6. Receber correio (pode ser electrónico.....)
7. Conduzir numa estrada linda.
8. Ouvir a nossa música preferida no rádio.
9. Ficar na cama a ouvir a chuva cair lá fora.
10. Toalhas quentes acabadas de serem engomadas...
11. Encontrar a camisola que se quer em saldo a metade do preço.
12. Batido de chocolate (baunilha ou morango).
13. Uma chamada de longa distância.
14. Um banho de espuma.
15. Rir baixinho.
16. Uma boa conversa.
17. A praia.
18. Encontrar uma nota de 20 euros no casaco pendurado desde o último Inverno.
19. Rir-se de si mesmo.
20. Chamadas à meia-noite que duram horas.
21. Correr entre os jactos de água de um aspersor.
22. Rir por nenhuma razão especial.
23. Alguém que te diz que és o máximo.
24. Rir de uma anedota que vem à memória.
25. Amigos.
26. Ouvir acidentalmente alguém dizer bem de nós.
27. Acordar e verificar que ainda há algumas horas para continuar a dormir.
28. O primeiro beijo (ou mesmo o primeiro com novo parceiro).
29. Fazer novos amigos ou passar o tempo com os velhos.
30. Brincar com um cachorrinho.
31. Haver alguém a mexer-te no cabelo.
32. Belos sonhos.
33. Chocolate quente.
34. Fazer-se à estrada com os amigos.
35. Balancear-se num balancé.
36. Embrulhar presentes sob a árvore de Natal comendo chocolates e bebendo a
bebida favorita.
37. Letra de canções na capa do CD para podermos cantá-las sem nos sentirmos
estúpidos.
38. Ir a um bom concerto.(go to a good concert)
39. Trocar um olhar com um belo/a desconhecido/a.
40. Ganhar um jogo renhido.
41. Fazer bolachas de chocolate.
42. Receber de amigos biscoitos feitos em casa.
43. Passar tempo com amigos íntimos.
44. Ver o sorriso e ouvir as gargalhadas dos amigos.
45. Andar de mão dada com quem gostamos.
46. Encontrar por acaso um velho amigo e ver que algumas coisas( boas ou
más) nunca mudam.
47. Patinar sem cair.
48. Observar o contentamento de alguem que está a abrir um presente que lhe
ofereceste.
49. Ver o nascer do sol.
50. Levantar-se da cama todas as manhãs e agradecer outro belo dia.


Amigos são anjos que nos levantam pelos pés quando as nossas asas não
conseguem lembrar de como se voa.


xoxo
Lee