Sometimes I lose all hope. I lose hope in my parents finally getting along, even when they are thousands of miles away from each other. Lose hope that they will accept my life decisions, and just be happy for me. That someone will notice that inside this uptight rational person i tend to be, someone that does to everyone's pleasing that, this is not the person I really am. It is a facade for the loving care-free me.
Sometimes I cry. Because I long to let people know who I really am and they won't allow me to. I cry because I feel broken, I feel trapped, and I feel like every time things are going great, something will come and rob me of that moment. I cry because I'm helpless and hopeless.
Then...
Everything is calm again. Like the world stopped and I'm just standing in the middle watching the frozen moments. Then the world begins to move in slow motion. Like I am too fast to be seen and they (the world) are carrying out normally. Then faster, faster, faster the earth spins, the sun grows until all of its gasses explode and a ball of flashing light swallows the earth.
When my vision clears, I am sitting under my covers, with a flashlight writing in my journal. Secretly wishing someone will take a peak at the entry I'm writing and understand what I feel. Then again, maybe not. Maybe its better off if those thoughts remain in my journal, unknown to the world.
Being myself doesn't seem to please a lot of people including my parents because they tend to yell more at me when I try to be. Still, it no longer seems like it is anyone's business who I am and who I want to be. That decision is mine to make, and mine to live with...
xoxo,
Lee
