Thoughts That Take Flight

I've been a bit confused out of my mind lately. I think it's time I confess to everything I've been feeling, because if I keep it in for much longer I'm going to explode. Don't ask me why I chose to let out on the internet, or why I would let you all know this. Just let me do it, respect me enough to ration with me, and believe the words I write.

It is 2:23 in the morning and I've been studying for my Geography exams for aproximatelly two hours and thirty minutes. Before that I had a break of two hours, and before that, I had studied Geography for 5 hours straight.

Is it because I'm in love with Geography? No. Is it because I want to get a ridiculously amazing grade? Not really. So what is the reason?

Taking my mind off of things I guess. June has been the most troubling month that has ever occured in my life. My mom has talked to me about my future options and what I really want to do with my future. Which is ok. I understand she did it because she cares about me and wants the best future for me. I thank her for that.

The thing is...it triggered thoughts inside of me that I wished I hadn't had. I wish I had stayed naive and never thought about such things. It started with my boyfriend, I began to see how my future would work out with him, the only surprise was...it wasn't going to. We had virtually no common plans except having a bunch of kids and loving each other. That all seems ok, but "Love and a Shack, is all you need" doesn't really work in reality. Someone needs to provide.

Then I feared I would be the only one providing, but I secretly knew that would not happen. Still he would need a job where he was constantly travelling to be happy, and I wanted to stay in my hometown with my kids in a normal day-to-day basis. I moved enough while I was a kid, thank you very much.

I made one of the most dificult decisions of my life and that was to leave him. I am aware that I'm deeply in love with him. That he has every good, virtuous quality that anyone is capable of having, but I needed to invest in me just this one time. I felt so sick in investing my time, energy, and effort into everyone's benefit and leaving myself behind that I took a plunge now.

I cry all the time, at night when people can't see me. I cry, I try my best to stop teardrops when someone mentions him, when I go to a place where we have a story, when I remember something he did, or said. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't....and then there are these times, and these are the ones I really look foward to, where I feel really happy for a moment there. I think, my life is amazing and I can have this without him. I think, I made the right choice. I feel good. I'm okay.

And I know that the more I think like this, the more times I'll feel like that small moment. That seems amazing to me. Definitelly something to look foward to.

I don't know really...

I'm scared about my future. Next year I'll have gradutated High School, I'll be moving to a whole different country, with different people, cultures and ways of life (they drive on the other side too). I'll be by myself, I'll have moved out from home, I'll have a new job, new school, new life. All this within just a few weeks. My entire life will change, that seems extremelly frightining.

And when I leave? What if I don't make it in the business that I want. What if I fail at my career? These seem like petty superficial doubts but they do perturb me many times. I don't know what to think. I know in my mind that everything will be okay one way or another, but I also know in my heart how scared I am to take that step...

Don't know...seems like everything is changing right now and too fast for me to get a grip on reality...

xoxo,

Lee

Reflections

I was twelve when I first joined a social network site. It was young, it was illegal and no I didn't do it for the thrills. I was a good twelve year old, but I wanted to fit in, and EVERYONE had a myspace, I couldn't be the only one who didn't.

As I grew older I realized that on these sites there was always the option "Looking For:" and yet the only answers you could fill in were "Friendship, Dating, A realtionship". I remember thinking at the time, why isn't there an option for "nothing".

As I grew older it dawned on me that we are looking for something, always. We're never happy, that's the failure of human kind. As much as we say we're happy, as much as we try to believe that, it isn't true. Now I'm not saying we're all always walking around like we're miserable, that would be an ignorant and idiotic statement. But we're never really content, I mean.

We always want more of what we don't have. We want a relationship, we want friends, we want to fit in, we want to be successfull, we want money, we want love, we want happiness, we want passion, we want adventure, we want, we want, we want. When does it stop.

When does anybody ever admit they have a pretty God damn good life? Does anyone actually reflect on how stupid wanting these things is? I'm not saying give up on dreams or goals, but hell don't sit around talking about how you WANT it?

I think the problem with mankind, is the fact that we create expectations of people, of dreams, of things that are not real. We build this image of this perfect place we want, we would strive for, but we forget that's not reality.

I believe the key to happiness is to see the world for what it truly is. Stop dwelling on senseless issues, face reality. There is no such things as the perfect man you've been dreaming about since you were ten. There is no such thing as the perfect woman that you've been dreaing about since you can remember. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But there is a man or a woman who can love you to the best of his abilities and try to create a good stable relationship with you.

There is no such thing as a friend who will never disappoint you, but there is such a thing as forgiveness and second chances.

You can chase your dreams, work to be the best, and even try to have better than you have. Indulge yourself in those small temptations and don't be ashamed. Who in this world is so perfect that they can judge on your actions?!?!

Fullfill your responsiblities - yes. See Reality as it is -yes. Indulge into temptation-yes. Do what pleases you- yes. Spend your life wanting what you don't have- pointless.

Now-a-days I look at social networking sites and when I see the option "Looking For" I think, Why aren't there more options?

xoxo

Lee