Slow Motion

Sometimes I lose all hope. I lose hope in my parents finally getting along, even when they are thousands of miles away from each other. Lose hope that they will accept my life decisions, and just be happy for me. That someone will notice that inside this uptight rational person i tend to be, someone that does to everyone's pleasing that, this is not the person I really am. It is a facade for the loving care-free me.

Sometimes I cry. Because I long to let people know who I really am and they won't allow me to. I cry because I feel broken, I feel trapped, and I feel like every time things are going great, something will come and rob me of that moment. I cry because I'm helpless and hopeless.

Then...
Everything is calm again. Like the world stopped and I'm just standing in the middle watching the frozen moments. Then the world begins to move in slow motion. Like I am too fast to be seen and they (the world) are carrying out normally. Then faster, faster, faster the earth spins, the sun grows until all of its gasses explode and a ball of flashing light swallows the earth.

When my vision clears, I am sitting under my covers, with a flashlight writing in my journal. Secretly wishing someone will take a peak at the entry I'm writing and understand what I feel. Then again, maybe not. Maybe its better off if those thoughts remain in my journal, unknown to the world.

Being myself doesn't seem to please a lot of people including my parents because they tend to yell more at me when I try to be. Still, it no longer seems like it is anyone's business who I am and who I want to be. That decision is mine to make, and mine to live with...

xoxo,
Lee

Silly Love

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful." - A Walk to Remember

As beautiful as I find that saying it makes no sense to me when I think of the person I fell in love with. We yell at each other, we grow impatient without each others attitudes and responses.

We're both extremely jealous of friends the other has. I am the most conceited person on the face of this earth and he is boastful about his abilities.

We can be rude to each other, and make each other cry and get frustrated. We are selfish, because we believe that we are right. We offend each other and we are most definitely resentful.

So why am I deeply in love with this person?

Because he makes me smile. He hugs me when I don't even know I need it. Because he has sweet words and advice and listens when I talk. Because he's there through and through, good and bad.

Because we can joke around and laugh at dumb moments, because when I lay on my bed with him I know I want to fall asleep like that forever. Because when texts me my heart jumps a little and I smile. Because he makes me laugh and feel good, and forget the bad parts.

Because sitting on the beach watching the sunset with him, I couldn't help but think "Years from now I'm going to remember being sixteen and in love". Because he cares about people and has a melting heart.

Because his definition of a "manly movie" is "Horton Hears a Who" and any moment with him easily turns so deliciously sweet.

No the quote may be wrong about our type of love, but I think I like my type better. So much sillier, but so much more fun.

"Our love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I sure can feel it." -A Walk to Remember.

xoxo
Lee

A Bitter Sweet Beginning

I have asked you all to come here today because I have news for all of you. A select few of you is aware that I have officially moved to Portugal once more. I wish I could explain why, but the truth of the matter is extremely personal and not a happy one. However, be aware that I am extremely happy to be leaving. No it is not because I hate it here, but rather because I love it there. I am free, I am myself, and I am everything I want to be when I'm there. I welcome all of you to visit me when you have time.

You can comment this blog, or my facebook, send me an email, or im me, I shall try to be on aim as much as possible. I would then like to thank everyone who has made this year a beautiful one. You have made me grow so much this year, and I can not begin to thank you enough. You will always be in my heart and thoughts.

I've lived great experiences this year, from organizing and protesting, to laughing, crying, jumping, hugging, kissing, smiling, and hopefully helping. This year has been essential in my life to make me a better person, and I have all of you to thank for that.

Take a look around my blog, the songs that are on the playlist, I feel, describe me as I see myself. The title of the blog came to me as I remember my years of great innocence and how much easier they were. Yet i acknowledge that now that I am aware of the demons out there, I can be much happier, because I can fight them off. I am strong enough.

I will miss you all, and I apologize for any hurt I have caused any of you. I am sorry I did not tell you that I was leaving, but I hate goodbyes.

xoxo,
no longer Chaos,
But just plain,
Lee <3