Sometimes I lose all hope. I lose hope in my parents finally getting along, even when they are thousands of miles away from each other. Lose hope that they will accept my life decisions, and just be happy for me. That someone will notice that inside this uptight rational person i tend to be, someone that does to everyone's pleasing that, this is not the person I really am. It is a facade for the loving care-free me.
Sometimes I cry. Because I long to let people know who I really am and they won't allow me to. I cry because I feel broken, I feel trapped, and I feel like every time things are going great, something will come and rob me of that moment. I cry because I'm helpless and hopeless.
Then...
Everything is calm again. Like the world stopped and I'm just standing in the middle watching the frozen moments. Then the world begins to move in slow motion. Like I am too fast to be seen and they (the world) are carrying out normally. Then faster, faster, faster the earth spins, the sun grows until all of its gasses explode and a ball of flashing light swallows the earth.
When my vision clears, I am sitting under my covers, with a flashlight writing in my journal. Secretly wishing someone will take a peak at the entry I'm writing and understand what I feel. Then again, maybe not. Maybe its better off if those thoughts remain in my journal, unknown to the world.
Being myself doesn't seem to please a lot of people including my parents because they tend to yell more at me when I try to be. Still, it no longer seems like it is anyone's business who I am and who I want to be. That decision is mine to make, and mine to live with...
xoxo,
Lee
awww!! itmay seem hard but just keep trying to BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE. no matter who judges you. cause those who criticize the most end up being lowlives, or that that one jerk-judge on american idol. but the chances of that are 1 in [world population].
ReplyDeleteanyway, mann i know how you really feel. sometimes i just want people to know what i feel to get a little sympathy but then again i just want to keep private and keep to myself. it's hard but the best thing to do is talk about it.... and i just want to let you know contrary to what you may believe your parents ARE proud of you.. i would be. it may not seem like it cause kids always think negatively toward their parents.. and just know i got your back and support you no matter what you do :D
-Brian.
It starts out as a feeling. Which then grows into a hope. Which then turns into a quiet thought. Which then turned into a quiet word. And then that word should grow louder and louder. Until it is a battle cry. I'll be there when you need me. There is no need to cry. Just because everything is changing, does not mean that it has never been this way before.
ReplyDeleteThat was with help of a lovely person called Regina Spektor. You have to show everyone who you are and not be afraid of what people say. Regardless who it is. Family or friends. It does not matter. Yes there are things you keep to yourself and that is why you escape to your own world in your journal. You pour your heart and soul into it, wanting people to see and then yet again, you do not.
Maybe you, like me, are scared. Scared of the actual world out there. It is just that we are growing up and need each other through go through. Yea everyone has the problems that others do not but together we can get through it. Hand in hand. Together.
Do not worry about your dad. Every family goes through rough times and as you are experiencing it right now, it is your time. But in the end something will pull everything good together. It may be hurtful at first like now, but in the end it will be for the best.
I love you Leonor and everything will get better. I promise.
You just have to be what you are and who you are.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're wonderful, Leo!! I'm not saying this to be pretty... I'm saying this 'cause it's what I think.
And I know, that maybe we are not reeealy friends, but you can't count on me, ALWAYS!
Don't cry 'cause you think that you don't have anyone, 'cause I'm here :)
you're great, believe me!
B.