Thoughts That Take Flight

I've been a bit confused out of my mind lately. I think it's time I confess to everything I've been feeling, because if I keep it in for much longer I'm going to explode. Don't ask me why I chose to let out on the internet, or why I would let you all know this. Just let me do it, respect me enough to ration with me, and believe the words I write.

It is 2:23 in the morning and I've been studying for my Geography exams for aproximatelly two hours and thirty minutes. Before that I had a break of two hours, and before that, I had studied Geography for 5 hours straight.

Is it because I'm in love with Geography? No. Is it because I want to get a ridiculously amazing grade? Not really. So what is the reason?

Taking my mind off of things I guess. June has been the most troubling month that has ever occured in my life. My mom has talked to me about my future options and what I really want to do with my future. Which is ok. I understand she did it because she cares about me and wants the best future for me. I thank her for that.

The thing is...it triggered thoughts inside of me that I wished I hadn't had. I wish I had stayed naive and never thought about such things. It started with my boyfriend, I began to see how my future would work out with him, the only surprise was...it wasn't going to. We had virtually no common plans except having a bunch of kids and loving each other. That all seems ok, but "Love and a Shack, is all you need" doesn't really work in reality. Someone needs to provide.

Then I feared I would be the only one providing, but I secretly knew that would not happen. Still he would need a job where he was constantly travelling to be happy, and I wanted to stay in my hometown with my kids in a normal day-to-day basis. I moved enough while I was a kid, thank you very much.

I made one of the most dificult decisions of my life and that was to leave him. I am aware that I'm deeply in love with him. That he has every good, virtuous quality that anyone is capable of having, but I needed to invest in me just this one time. I felt so sick in investing my time, energy, and effort into everyone's benefit and leaving myself behind that I took a plunge now.

I cry all the time, at night when people can't see me. I cry, I try my best to stop teardrops when someone mentions him, when I go to a place where we have a story, when I remember something he did, or said. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't....and then there are these times, and these are the ones I really look foward to, where I feel really happy for a moment there. I think, my life is amazing and I can have this without him. I think, I made the right choice. I feel good. I'm okay.

And I know that the more I think like this, the more times I'll feel like that small moment. That seems amazing to me. Definitelly something to look foward to.

I don't know really...

I'm scared about my future. Next year I'll have gradutated High School, I'll be moving to a whole different country, with different people, cultures and ways of life (they drive on the other side too). I'll be by myself, I'll have moved out from home, I'll have a new job, new school, new life. All this within just a few weeks. My entire life will change, that seems extremelly frightining.

And when I leave? What if I don't make it in the business that I want. What if I fail at my career? These seem like petty superficial doubts but they do perturb me many times. I don't know what to think. I know in my mind that everything will be okay one way or another, but I also know in my heart how scared I am to take that step...

Don't know...seems like everything is changing right now and too fast for me to get a grip on reality...

xoxo,

Lee